by Dr. Brittany Sterling

Let’s talk about grief. It opens the door to considering the ways in which we respond to negative experiences and feelings in general. So often when faced with negative emotions, the distress is such that we feel an eagerness to get away from it. We don’t want to stay in that place of pain, loss, fear, and loneliness.

The outside world is all too happy to encourage us to move on. We have things to do. We don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable. We don’t want to feel pitied or for others to experience us as a burden. We hold this tension across countless contexts. Even in our parenting we find ourselves wanting our children to be able to navigate a broad range of emotions and work through them – and how quick are we to default to “it’s okay” or “don’t worry about it” when we see our children in distress? It’s hard to tolerate seeing someone in pain and we want to spare them from it, scrambling to suck the venom from their veins.

That’s not how emotions work though. This is why we feel wholly inadequate regardless of the approach we take. Depending on how severe the distress, for at least some period of time, it demands to be felt.

Here we enter the negotiation stage (aka: fighting off the vulnerability).

We dive into stress cleaning the house. We run to the escape of a glass of wine or whisky–a night cap. We indulge in distractions like the latest season of a tv series that’s dropped or the pursuit of one of those darn Labubus. We throw ourselves into work and receive the positive reinforcement that comes with it as well as the added stress and exhaustion. We deny our sadness in favor of anger because then at least we feel more in control. We grab a snack and feel nurtured through food that offers only empty, short-term fulfillment. None of these strategies resolve the negative, vulnerable emotions initially felt. We end up snapping at someone we love. We burst into tears at an unexpected time. Eventually we may even become anxious and/or depressed. Suppressing emotions doesn’t benefit us. It prolongs and complicates the pain. The solution is both simple and awful: sit in it. Let the pain work its way through you.

When you notice a negative emotion arising, while your goal may be to avoid it, instead let it pass through you. It is normal to resist sadness, fear, and all other negative feelings in between. We may be so practiced at guarding against these negative emotions that we have trouble going about letting them stay.

Here are some tips:

• Name the distress. Say it out loud. “Oh this hurts.” “I’m so sad.”
• Take a mindfulness approach by noticing the urge to avoid the feeling. “All I want to do is rot on the couch, scrolling through Instagram.” It’s perfectly fine to want that. The challenge is to notice you want it then encourage yourself, “maybe I’ll first let myself sit here, away from my phone, a little longer and just look out the window.” Fight the distractions so the feeling isn’t pushed to the side.
• Play music, get comfortable, cuddle with a pet, write about what you’re feeling. In diving deeper into the emotion, you are better positioned to process those feelings, thus moving through them.

A common concern I hear is the worry that this could negatively impact others. People worry about being a burden or scaring their children. Remember, we teach through modeling. Our children (and frankly people of all ages) learn through the actions of others. We’re a social species. When someone sees another person working through grief and other negative emotions in healthy, well-adjusted ways, they learn that these experiences are normal, not to be feared.

If everyone tries to hide these experiences from each other, we feel that much more alone in them. Be a leader. Model the strength and maturity that comes from allowing an emotion to work its way through you. It is much easier said than done and, in the moment, it likely feels permanent, but it’s not.

All feelings are temporary: the good and the bad. Allowing yourself to patiently sit with these feelings as they work their way through you ensures you can more fully move on to the next emotions that rise within you. We are free to engage in our lives with more presence. Our feelings are trying to tell us something, so take the time to listen. It is worth it.

Dr. Brittany Sterling, Ph.D. is a Harvard-trained psychologist helping high-functioning adults rewire patterns of attention, attachment, and cycles of grief into lasting change. She currently has a few openings, so reach out today! Learn more about her approach here.