By Carrie Potter, PhD

As a parent and a professional, I know all too well how upsetting it is when your child experiences debilitating anxiety. It’s heartbreaking to hear your kid talk about how much they dread going to school, or to watch them fret on the sidelines of a soccer game while other kids are having fun.

If your kid is struggling with anxiety and you can’t figure out how to help them, you’re not alone. Even after getting doctoral level training in anxiety disorders and working with anxious adults for over a decade, when my own son was having trouble with anxiety, I felt lost. I pulled out all of my therapist strategies – validated, supported, patiently talked him through scenarios – and his anxiety persisted. Finally, I had the “aha” moment that changed everything: anxiety pulls for parental responses that feel loving, but actually make things worse in the long term. And the responses that help our kids develop skills for managing anxiety are not always intuitive. Here is a list of my top parenting dos and don’ts for how to respond (and how not to respond!) to your kids when they are experiencing anxiety:

Do:

-Teach your kid how to talk to the “anxious part” of their mind (think Inside Out 2, which should be required viewing for any parents and kids who are dealing with anxiety). Teach them how to have a conversation with their “anxious part” when it shows up so it feels validated enough to give them space. (Something along the lines of, “Hi there, anxiety, makes sense you’re showing up right now, but this is important to me to do so I’m going to need you to give me some space so I can do it.”)

-Model the behavior that you want to see in your kid. When you make a mistake, instead of getting worked up, say, “Oh well! I’ll try again.” If you have a big work presentation, instead of talking about how stressed you are, talk about feeling nervous but also excited to share information with your colleagues. If you model distress tolerance and flexibility, your kids are more likely to follow suit.

-Be playful! When my son was having anxiety about going to school, we started playing a game on the car ride to school where we’d pretend to call up his favorite superhero and chat with him about his mission for the day. The point wasn’t to distract him from his anxiety – it was to have a fun and connecting experience that helped him feel happy, secure, and more able to walk into school confidently.

Do not:

-Talk too much! As parents we tend to talk way too much to our kids about the things that make them anxious. We are trying to help and prepare them, but it actually makes things more stressful. Keep your supportive statements warm and brief: “I know this is hard, I love you, I’m here if you need help.”

-Give lots of reassurance. Anxious kids have a lot of questions (What if the dentist hurts me? What if the dog bites me? What if the kids don’t like me?) and it can be tempting to provide reassuring answers to all of them, but the questions will never end, and your kids will just want more and more reassurance as their anxiety grows out of control. Instead, validate how hard it is to tolerate uncertainty, and let your kid know that you have confidence in their ability to handle hard situations.

-Try to save your kid from experiencing any anxiety. This doesn’t mean throwing them into the deep end of the pool, but don’t go out of your way to prevent anxiety-provoking situations from naturally occurring. If your kid is afraid of dogs, don’t ask your friends to put away their dogs when you come over. Let your kids experience a reasonable amount of anxiety – it’s the only way they will have the opportunity to work on overcoming it.